I realize my last entry was well over 2 months ago. It also seems like one of my last entries was a post on turning 44. A year later, and yes, this year has flown by.
As I was waking this morning, i noticed the sunlight angle in the bedroom had changed from previous mornings and I began thinking towards the season changing and... time.
Came down stairs, grabbed some coffee and settled down to the morning paper (online) and NPR.... the segment I caught, as I began listening and waking up, was on time and calendars and how societies and individuals kept/keep time; Totally in line with my first thoughts of the morning. Time.
As far back as i can remember, which is probably to age 5 ( I do keep glimpses of earlier years, possibly as far back as an infant-really), as part of my conscious self I've had a time-line chart floating in my head. It's as much a part of me as my smile (see photos). It's just there, kind of floating in the periphery where I see my life- past, present, future, in the form of a two dimensional ladder style graph.
On this chart I can see where I am presently age-wise.
I can see my past behind me (represented in chronological age), In relation to where I am presently age-wise.
I can see my future ahead of me in relation to where I am presently age-wise
I've always used this built-in time measurement as my life guide in relation to time and memory, and it's relationship to aging. If something reminds me of a past event or say, I'm having a conversation with a friend about something that happened when I was 10 years old, my first conscious/subconscious action takes me to where age 10 is represented on the time-line chart, and that becomes my reference point. It's pretty cool really.
When I was younger,
time was kept in a more general sense and measured by school vacations, holidays, what time the street lights came on; sort of a general, abstract feeling. Being young with not much to gauge time against, it was just a thought with very little meaning.
In my senior year of High School,
I remember a feeling of time in the sense of change and a sense of beginning. "Now Voyager". Head out there young man the clock is ticking... but no rush...take it all in.
As a young adult
time was mostly spent in the present with a small part devoted to future and a smaller part to the past. The past was always retrievable, formed a base in my present self, and a firm foundation for the future. No limits, no self prescribed deadlines. I aged yearly, and could see myself progressing on the time-line according to my biological age... until I hit 31.
From the age of 31 until today, rather than seeing my age progress on the time-line, it stayed at the age of 31. Turned 32, 33, etc..., each year, where I would normally see my age progress, I just hung around at 31. I could see my real present age, represented in the future, but I was still hanging around 31. In a sense, it's as though I had stopped aging in some way.
I'm 45 today,
and this is the first birthday, when asked if I feel different, I can say "Yes, I do in fact!". It's a noticeable feeling of the sense of time. That's all I've deciphered about it for now. I'm sure it will reveal itself as to what it means... in time.